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and Introduction
Yeah, But . . .
I have been doing “stress talks” for a long time. One of the major
things I have learned is that, not only are there a lot of miserable
people in the world, most of them are fighting to stay miserable.
This is my “Yeah-but” strategy group. If I give suggestions to this
group on how to improve their situations - how to take charge - they
usually come up with,
“Yeah, but you don’t know my boss …my wife
...my husband.”
People can, “Yeah, but” any suggestion that they
get, and they usually do. They know that they can always win that
game because they can always come up with one more version of “Yeah,
but” than I or anyone can come up with suggestions to help.
My philosophy now is that if you’re into being miserable, just go
for it. In fact, look me up. I might have a couple of suggestions
just in case you ever find yourself happy against your will.
As has been said elsewhere, if you argue enough for your
limitations, they are yours. The hard truth is, if you don’t like
where you are, emotionally, psychologically or spiritually, you had
better be prepared to work at changing things. But you must believe
you can take charge before you do.
Papa Needs a Brand New Car
Another favorite strategy for coping with “stress” is to wait for
the world to change. The “Lotto” strategy!
As soon as I win the
Lotto, things will be a lot better.
As soon as so-and-so dies,
things will be a lot better.
As soon as I get that promotion, things
will be a lot better.
As we all know, the Lotto strategy does not
have a very high chance of succeeding, but since it involves very
little effort, and because we don’t have to take charge of anything,
it is quite popular. Just remember that the Lotto strategy is not
really a strategy. It is just hoping that dumb luck will fall into
your lap.
When we believe that stress is “out there” we look for answers out
there and we don’t look inside of ourselves. We just try to manage
the stress or avoid the stress or find the answers in neat little
packages.
Think about it. If you believe going to the woods makes
everything all better, I guess when you leave the woods you are
doomed again until your next visit.
When we become aware that the
stress in our lives is nothing more than our way of looking at life,
then we realize that we must look inside of ourselves for the
answers. Again, this is not popular because it involves work and
accepting responsibility for our own emotional situation.
Complaining
Probably the most popular strategy in dealing with so-called stress
is the one that really takes very little work or skill or discipline
– complaining. There is some endurance involved, but, since it
allows us to involve other people, it has a special appeal.
Think
about it. When people sit down to lunch and someone joins them, what
are most people doing in about twenty seconds? Complaining!
Complaining is held in such high regard that people actually compete
for top honors. Who of you hasn’t sat through a lunch with people
who were not only complaining but were trying to “one-up” each other
with miserable stories?
“You think that’s bad? I’ll give you bad.”
I’ve seen people walking out of lunch looking pleased with
themselves because they “won” lunch. They were happy because they
had the worst morning!
Bitching Is Good For Us – and the Team
It’s interesting how we justify complaining.
Many people use the
psychological approach to justify it.
“You’ve got to get this stuff
out. If it stays inside, it will rot your guts out.”
That sounds
plausible doesn’t it? Actually, in a therapy session it’s probably
pretty accurate, depending on the therapeutic approach. In therapy
you usually do want to get stuff out. Of course in therapy the point
is to work on it, and try to dissipate whatever it is you got out
that is not good for you.
In the lunchroom, however, most of us get
this stuff out and share it with everyone, then just before we leave
we pick it up, shove it back in and make sure to bring it back the
next day. It never really goes away.
The other answer I get to why we complain lends itself to the team
building phenomenon:
“We support each other.”
There is a big
difference between people who support each other and people who get
miserable together. I have worked with very good support groups in
the field of substance abuse, illness, and bereavement. Those people
know that presenting strategies, not complaining, is how to get
things done.
Weirdo
We have become so used to complaining and negativity, that I bet if
you were on an elevator all alone and a stranger got on and started
talking friendly, some of you would probably think, “Weirdo.” But if
that person got on and said, “This weather sure stinks,” many of you
would probably think, “You’re okay buddy. I should have you over for
dinner.” We seem to bond through misery, even when we’re not that
miserable.
Complaining is easy. Whining is easy. We do it from habit. Have you
ever seen a workshop on how to be a better complainer, or on how to
take whining to new heights? No! We do that stuff all the time. We
practice everyday.
It takes effort to effect change. I know I sound like a broken
record, but a lot of workshops conveniently leave out the fact that
it is going to be difficult, at first, to change your patterns. It
will get easier, but at first it is work.
Why is it such work?
It is work, first of all, because we have been
doing the wrong things for a long time and because we are
comfortable doing the wrong things. It is also work because the
stress is not outside of us. The stress that kills our spirit starts
within us, and it takes a lot of work and involves great insight and
discipline and courage to change what is in us.
Stress Doesn't Kill Us
We Commit Suicide With It
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